Dear Dr. K:

I am pastoring a trio of young guys who are married to beautiful and willing wives but are using porn frequently. Why does someone do this? How can I help them break the habit? 

— Frustrated but wanting to help
 

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Dear Frustrated:

I read an interesting analysis of how pornography affects relationships between men and women in a recently-released book called "Premarital Sex in America." 

According to the analysis, before the widespread availability of internet porn a woman in a monogamous relationship had control over a rare resource: her husband’s access to the beauty of the naked female figure (her own). 

Now, with porn always only a few keystrokes away, a man has access to an almost unlimited array of images that have the effect of reducing his wife’s “sexual bartering power.”  When a formerly scarce resource becomes plentiful, its value goes down. This is only one way to think of how porn devalues women.

The availability of porn on the internet is one of the clearest examples of how technology can shape human relationships. A recent (2008) study at Brigham Young University on 813 college students found that 87 percent of young men had viewed pornography in the past year, almost 50 percent view it weekly or more often, and 20 percent view it daily or every other day. 

Viewing porn has become normative in emerging adults, and we have yet to understand all of the ramifications of this reality on their current and future intimate relationships.

One of my biggest concerns with the interplay between religion and porn use is the attempt to use attending church or “getting God back in my life” as the primary approach to the problem. 

In my work, this often takes the form of a man promising his wife that he will become more religiously committed. In a significant percentage of cases, this may lead to some short-term abstinence from porn viewing, but it can also have the effect of the man pushing his porn viewing further into secrecy and shame. Once he finds that God, church attendance, or prayer isn’t fixing the problem, he may choose to keep his relapses private rather than making his wife hurt and angry at him over and over again. 

Focusing exclusively on religious belief or behavior to overcome porn use is one way to avoid going deeper into what the behavior means for the individual and the relationship, what its roots are, what it signals about the user’s life.

I remember one patient whose words typify the problem with the religious fix approach. He said to me, “I know I have to get God back in my life, but I don’t even know if I believe in God. I’m going to church now and all that because my wife wants me to. Can you please just help me get her settled down about all this?”

One of the most reliable maxims in my line of work is that people don’t change until the pain of changing is perceived as less than the pain of staying the same. People addicted to porn first need to become aware that the porn is bringing significant suffering into their lives. 

Without that awareness, change is not likely to hold up. It is far more powerful for a man to see that porn is bringing him suffering than just admitting that porn is bringing his wife distress. Habitual porn viewing invites long-term suffering such as decreased emotional and sexual intimacy or divorce, but also creates short-term suffering, such as guilt, shame or constant craving.

Recently I read that Mahatma Gandhi said Buddha did not give up his material cravings out of moral conviction; rather, he gave up the pursuit of pleasure because it was bringing him suffering. This is what I consider the core insight for those struggling with pornography. 

“Porn promises pleasure but is actually bringing suffering to me” is the starting point.

“Lord, I believe; help my unbelief,” said the father of the boy possessed by an evil spirit to Jesus (Mark 9: 20-29).  The meaning of “help my unbelief” appears obvious, but I have begun to use the words of this anonymous man from 2,000 years ago in a different way with those struggling with porn

Specifically, I think they need help unbelieving the promises of porn, whether or not they believe in God. Each time the urge to use porn arrives, it comes with a promise to make life more pleasurable. Believing that promise obscures the truth: that habitual porn use warps one’s sense of healthy sexuality and impairs one’s ability to create a healthy sexual relationship.

It is said that when Buddha was visited by the dark spirit, which he called “Mara,” he would say, “I see you, Mara” and continue meditating. The ability to notice or “witness” an urge but not give in automatically to it is crucial for those attempting to break the grip of porn. Being mindful of a thought or emotion without being in its grip — the ability to say, “I see you, craving,” without following its lead — is a major focal point of my work with those suffering with porn use.

Most important for anyone wanting to help another suffering with porn use is to provide a nonjudging, compassionate relationship. It is not possible to deeply explore the roots or effects of porn viewing if the helper conveys judgment. For therapists or pastors from the Christian tradition, this means modeling Jesus’ response to the woman caught in adultery. He did not condemn her; rather, he told the crowd standing ready to stone her, “Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone” (John 8:6).

Your question regarding why a young man with a beautiful and willing wife would be a habitual user of porn leads me to some final thoughts. 

Sex in marriage is a source of both pleasure and pain for most couples. I consider every union between a man and woman to be a cross-cultural relationship. Different understandings of love, intimacy and sex, as well as biological factors, lead to plenty of opportunity for conflict around sex in all marriages. 

For some, sex with a computer screen seems far less complicated than negotiating a relationship with a real person who may not be in the mood, who may refuse a sexual initiative, or who may decline bids to engage in certain sexual behaviors. Porn viewing can become part of a pattern of avoiding conflict in the relationship.

When I work with couples on this problem, the focus always includes developing greater emotional and spiritual intimacy. This includes opening up about sexual joys and struggles and learning to see and treat oneself, one’s partner, and the relationship as sacred.

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Kevin Anderson, Ph.D. is a psychologist, writer, and public speaker. Send your comments or question to him at KevinEAnderson7@gmail.com.